Boundaries

               Boundaries. What are they? I have talked about them to several people, but surprisingly, most people look confused when I mention them. Boundaries at their most basic are lines of what you will and won’t permit in your life. I’m not going into too much detail here, but I read a book last summer that goes more in depth entitled Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that changed my life. Boundaries basically let the good in and keep the bad out of your life, unlike walls that keep the bad in and the good out. Think of it like a fence that keeps your dog in your yard and keeps your neighbor’s out. Literally, they are emotional, mental, relational, social, etc. property lines. Any situation in life requires boundaries; here I will just scratch the surface so that people understand the references in future posts.

            So boundaries are like property lines between us and other people. Have you ever had an annoying neighbor that allowed their dog onto your property to poop or tear up your trash? That was a violation of boundaries. The same works in all social relationships. This is why some people become angry when people call too much or come over without invite; it’s seen as a violation of personal boundaries.

             The most basic form of establishing a boundary is saying “no.” No sets a line of “this is not ok.” Telling people no may be uncomfortable to some people, and there are lots of reasons why. Maybe as a child someone didn’t honor their no, instead it was overruled. Maybe telling people no caused them to withdraw their love until they complied. There are several reasons why you are afraid of telling people no; however, it is something worth looking into.

       I mentioned earlier that boundaries are like social property lines; all traffic coming in and out we are responsible for as well as what is in them. By traffic I mean any interaction that occurs between you and other people, organizations, etc. Examples of setting boundaries are:

      1. Friends: Saying no to hanging out because you have a test due, have to work out or have other plans.

     

      2. Family: Telling your sister you can’t make it out this time because of work.

      3. Spouse: Saying no to sex because you have to be up early in the morning.

      4. Children: Saying no to friends coming over because they need to do homework.

      5. Boss: Saying no to working on your day off because you have a doctor’s appointment.

           These are just a few examples, but at the core of boundaries is the word no. These are just simple boundaries to not doing something. But what about bigger things? Like telling someone that it is not ok to treat you a certain way or talk to you a certain way. For example, men generally respect me in every way. However, one night at a movie with a group of friends, after everyone had walked away, I was telling an acquaintance about me doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He made the comment about how kinky that sounded, and I should “show him some moves.” I was quick to tell him that was not an acceptable way to talk to me, to which he ironically felt bad for.

Those are the external boundaries of saying no to people in your life. You also have to set boundaries for yourself. Because there are so many possibilities, I will list a few I have set for myself.

Behavioral:

   1.  I will not be lazy; I will work out at least 4 times a week.  

   2.  I will not use my cell phone when I’m in a movie, talking to friends, eating, at practice, etc.

   3. I will not eat too much fatty, junky food.

Mental:

   1. I will not think about things that I can’t have.

   2. I will not let my mind dwell on past mistakes.

   3. I will not let myself overanalyze or worry.

         Other things that you need boundaries for are your passions, your emotions, thoughts, your sex drive, character, integrity, etc. These are things that I have established boundaries with because they do not help me to be healthy in all areas of my life nor do they help me to reach my goals. The beauty of boundaries is that you do not have to beat yourself up when you discover that you have made a mistake. Instead you can kindly tell yourself no and move on to something else. Eventually, it will get easier. I will expand on this in future posts.

          The way people treat you can have a huge impact on your personal and mental well being. If people around you are not treating you well or in a way that you like, it is your job to tell them what is and isn't acceptable. It doesn’t have to be mean or cruel, just a simple statement of no. When they don’t honor your no, it is your job to handle it accordingly. Most people will accept a no, but some people do not like that word.

When setting boundaries with people, particularly in established relationships (and established boundaries you may not be aware of), some resistance is likely to occur. I don’t think this is because they are necessarily bad people, but simply that people do not like change. If you explain this to them, they are more likely to accept it. What do you do if someone doesn’t like your boundary settings? People may say mean things or make comments, but you have to be strong and ignore them. Most of the time, once people see that your change isn’t bad, they are accepting. You may just have to bear some persecution for your decisions for a time.

What if someone doesn’t stop? What if they continue to berate you until you give in? It may require removing that person from your life, or at least distancing yourself for some time until they can accept that you are indeed changing and not budging. I would suggest doing it honorably and letting them know because it could destroy your relationship in the long run.