I'm working on it!

"People have to learn how to be alone. I don’t understand all these people “Oh, I need somebody! Lord, where is my man? Lord, where is my woman?”. That is crazy as hell, if you don’t know how to be by yourself, what you’re gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it, shut up and wait! Go work on you, hell, that’s what that time is for, to get yourself together!"

Madea from Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail the play

I love the above quote. While it may be a little harsh, throwing around "hell" and a dose of sarcasm, the parts I bolded are so true. How can one expect to be happy with another person unless they are happy by themselves? In my last blog, All My Single Ladies and several other blogs, I have talked about preparing yourself for marriage and taking advantage of the time of singleness to just "do you." Accomplish your personal goals, get yourself together, develop your character, your integrity and become a strong, healthy person so that you attract that kind of person that has the kinds of qualities that can make a marriage last.

In this blog, I want to break down some qualities I listed in "All My Single Ladies" and explain why I think they are so important. Marriage is definitely something to look forward to; however, it does bring its own set of problems with it. That is why it is important to be a resilient, capable person in singleness and marriage.

So lets break it down by characteristics and why they are important:

Followed God's will: God promises that He will work all things out for the good of those who love Him; He also says that He will continue to completion the good work that He began in us. When our goal and desire to be in God's will, He can fulfill these promises. I have found that even when we do not desire the specific outcome, change, or action, it works out better for me in the long run. God, however, knowing everything that He does, can bring us to a better place of peace, even if we have to suffer for a short while.

Honoring those in her life: Rebekah was respectful to her husband, Ruth was faithful and loyal to Naomi, and Abigail rushed to provide provisions for David's army; she did it to save her family. What does it mean to honor? Essentially, showing someone high regard or respect. Its important to honor and treat well people in our lives, not just those who we like or love, but especially those who you don't necessarily like. Sometimes honoring people can simply be not talking about them or asking them how their day went.

Part of integrity is treating everyone with an attitude of respect. Honor also requires a certain amount of humility. It literally means elevating something higher than yourself as worthy, lifting another person's needs above your own.

Common sense: Common sense is essential in any area of life. With it, we learn from our mistakes, we learn how to navigate through unfamiliar situations, we learn how to interact with people, and we learn how to apply what we learn in class to our every day lives.

Work ethic: All these women, whatever their job, did it to the best of their abilities. A work ethic is defined as a belief in the moral importance and benefit of work. Whether you are working for a boss or as a stay-at-home mom and wife, they all require duties and repsonsibilities to be taken care of. If a woman stays at home, the house should stay clean, the laundry done, dinner cooked by a certain time, etc. A boss expects reports that meet company goals and are done on time. While getting an education, the teacher has clear objectives for the student to learn. To do well in life, one must have whole-heartedly do their job.

Boldness: Why is boldness imporant? I think that, oftentimes, women are hesistant to say or do something they think is right. These women did these things because they had conviction to do the right things, even if the acts were unpopular with others. The Bible says that Ruth was determined to do the right thing (stay with Naomi), even though Naomi urged her to stay in her home land.

Brave: Both Rebecca and Ruth set out on journeys to foreign lands, unaware of what their life would be like; Abigail took provisions to an army marching to destroy her family! Many times, life throws things we aren't expecting at us, and bravery causes us to face the unknown or things or people that intimidate us.

Kindness: In general, it is a good thing to treat people well; common courtesy is what it used to be called. Simple acts of kindness make people's day; simple words of encouragement can change a person's whole attitude. The Bible says that love is kind; it also says kindness is a fruit of the spirit. Love is the oil that flows between people to smooth out the friction that occurs in day-to-day life and relationships. Kindness is a boat that helps spread that oil.

These are a few of many qualities that I have learned from these women to be applicable in everyday life, single or married. Its important to be a resilient, capable person, able to handle life and whatever comes after you. I firmly believe that you have to be happy as a single, capable of enjoying life by yourself before you can ever be happy in a relationship.

The truth is that whoever you are in your life before you marry, you will be that person after you're married. While you may be good at hiding who you are for a while, eventually the real person will come out.

All My Single Ladies!

One of the most common topics that comes up with all my single girl friends is relationships. It usually just follows the following itinerary:

1. Current situation (Single)
2. Past experiences (Bad and good, but we're still single)
3. How it made me feel (Anger, hurt, sad, etc)
4. Current coping mechanism
5. Hope for the future

Most single women I talk to experienced these to some extent. It usually doesn't get into man-bashing, surprisingly. However, the conversation often includes stories about men who played her ignorance, naiveness, emotions, heart, etc; men that acted interested and then went after a prettier, smarter, thinner, insert adjective with "er" woman. For both men and women, there's only a few times before you throw your hands up and give up completely.

We each invent our own coping mechanisms for dealing with the nawing desire to find a mate. For some its faith, for some its partying, for others its being busy. However, regardless how people choose to deal with it, being single isn't necessarily a curse; its often a blessing. The grass is always greener, right? Not necessarily! Its easy to look at married couples and think, "They have it all: a mate (emphasis on mate, esp if you're waiting until marriage), someone to cuddle with, a companion, helpmate, someone to share the burden of life with, etc."

However, even though we don't get certain needs met that come with a spouse and bear the burdens of life ourselves, singleness has a blessing of its own! The Apostle Paul concurs by saying that when you are single, you can focus completely on God and be holy in body and spirit (1 Corinthians 7). How wonderful it is to have time to devote to God and our relationship with Him!

Not only do single people have undivided time with God, we also have time to pursue their personal dreams and goals. Being single has little distractions when working on college, having a career or just moving or changing life plans when desired. It also forces you to develop things that you might have had to learn the hard way in a marriage. For example, being single has allowed me to grow by watching other people and families. I've observed and learned so many things that I might not have otherwise. I've learned to develop community with people and form a personal family even being close to my family.

I have met two Catholic priests here who are close to me in age. They are similar to other men I know: funny, smart, outgoing, etc. However, they have taken a vow of celibacy and can never get married. At first, that really confused me; I just could not imagine. However, it makes so much sense. When you have dedicated your life to God, you will never have to worry about the distractions, problems, etc. that come with dating and marriage. You know from a young age what your path is and its never a question. For many of us who are single with the intent of getting married comes the questions of balancing life, goals, plans, compromise, etc. It just seems so much simpler when you choose not to get married.

While I'm not sure if I would ever take it that far, I have taken a few gems from these men:

1. Use this time of singleness to pursue God undividedly.
2. Use this time to do God's work and thinking how to please Him.
3. Its a beautiful thing to be able to wholly pursue God with no distractions.

To add to my list of examples for single ladies, I've found some women in the Bible who held out for God to bring them their man. I've compiled a list of what they did while waiting.

WARNING: Do not use these qualities as checklists to do hoping that once you have them checked off, God will bring your man to you.

1. Rebekah (Gen. 24) had several great qualities about her. She was bold, kind and generous, watering the travel-weary servant and his camels without being asked; she was brave and willing to do God's will, going to a foreign country to marry Isaac. She was respectful of her husband, calling him master and comforting him.

2. Rahab (Josh. 2, 6) was the Canaanite prostitute who hid the Israelite spies; because of this, she was spared in the destruction of Jericho. She did the will of God by saving the Israelites; she used her own resources to help others (i.e her house). Additionally, much later, she was married to a Jewish man and was the one of the many great grandmothers of Christ.

3. Ruth (Ruth) was a Moabite woman who staid with her Jewish mother-in-law after their husbands died. Ruth exhibits so many characteristics: brave for leaving her home country, loyalty and faithfulness to Naomi, faith in God, integrity, character, hard worker, and humility. There are so many more, but to save time, I will let the reader discover her on their own. She was rewarded with an amazingly godly husband who righteously fought for her.

4. Abigail (1 Sam 25) was not single, but I use her to demonstrate a point. She was married to a crude and mean man who offended David. The Bible says that she was sensible and beautiful. She intervened on her husbands behalf and saved their entire household. David admired her sensibility to the point that he asked her to marry him when her husband died. She also demonstrates humility.

While these qualities may just hang out on the page for some people, I will write a blog that ties them all together later.

The point at the end of it all is simply this: It is best to recognize singleness not as race or contest to the altar, as a game to get sex or the ring, a waiting room to sit in until "the One" opens the door and calls you in, or any other horrible contrivance that people can make it into. As Christians, we are called to serve God; the blessing and beauty of being single is that we get to serve God without the distraction of a spouse. Should we be blessed with a godly spouse, because we took time to develop ourselves, our character, our relationship with Christ, we will be ready to leave and cleave together. We don't do these things to get a mate; we do these things to grow closer to Christ. However, a perk of forging these godly characteristics in singleness is that we set ourselves up for success in marriage, more to come on that.