Things I Have Learned at Tinker

For the last few months, even before tech school, I have carried with me many lessons learned that I want to carry with me to my next base and through out my life. I wanted to share them because these are my most precious possessions in life. I have found that the knowledge and wisdom we accrue holds more value than any monetary goal ever could.

So here goes:



1. Treat people well regardless of their race, religion, job, personality, etc. A person's demographics do not determine what kind of people they are. Their character tells you all about them. Additionally, even if they are the most vile of people, our character is proven when we treat them well.

2. You cannot put a price on quality of life. In Chaplain Assistant School, I met some really awesome people of God. It was great to know that they were praying for us, that we could just strike up a conversation about God, that they were mature, smart and knowledgeable about the Word. In stark contrast to what I'm used to, it was a major blessing!

3. You're life is not your own. This may sound strange to some people, especially in this individualist society. However, I have learned that everything we do affects other people, good or bad. I also feel like there is a social expectation to do right by people, to treat people well, and be a productive member of society. That's not to say that you don't run your own life, because I do believe that we all make choices. However, we have to remember that who we are as individuals is one of many roles we play. I play the role: daughter, friend, some-day wife, airman, citizen, etc. All these roles mean that at some point my life and my time belongs to another person or people because of a role I must fulfill.

4. To tag on the paragraph above, we must make sure our needs are taken care of before we can take care of others. What I mean by that is our needs must come first. When we don't get enough rest, food, exercise, love, etc, we can become resentful and wonder why no one is taking care of us. The truth is that no one is going to do it for us. We may be blessed to have friends that run us to the hospital, buy us lunch, tell us to get some sleep, etc. However, only we truly know our needs and must learn to act on them.

Sometimes, we have become so accustomed to stuffing our needs or ignoring them that we don't realize why we are angry, resentful or bitter. One story from my life, I used to get so mad at the people that I hung out with, unsure why. Then I thought, "What is the root of all this?" I just wanted to some time to myself to read, workout, and just decompress. After I established a boundary with my time, I no longer feel that way anymore.

5. Speaking of time, it is the most *SCARCE* resource we have! Use it wisely! I say this because I look back on my life at all the time I wasted doing nothing. Now I try to fill my days with things that will build me up and make me a better person, or allow me to do something with people.

6. Never underestimate the power of a crappy situation. I can't recount how many times I've spent in full MOPP gear, showed up to a jet at 4AM just to wait forever for it to be fixed, or been chewed out because someone didn't like my way of doing something. The truth is that there will crappy situations in life. But I have learned to find good in those situations. I have made some lifelong friends from hours talking and I have learned what I kind of leader/person that I don't want to be.

7. When you seek to do well in life, you will reap what you sew. You will also have obstacles to overcome, walls to tear down. However, I look at these challenges as a way to prove myself: do I deserve what I am about to take on? You cannot live life without challenges. However, I do believe that we can do more than we give ourselves credit for. Those things that are way out my hands, I look to God to help me with.

8. Don't hold on to a grudge. That's not to say that a bad situation or relationship will be resolved, but for yourself, let it go, wish that person the best, and move on with your life. A grudge just holds you back and down from living life to the fullest.

9. Know yourself. Know your limitations and weakness and work on them. Know your strengths and talents and hone them. To know what you are capable and not capable of will help guide you to your purpose in life. Personality tests can help; however, they cannot show you who you truly are the way that experience can.

10. LIVE YOUR LIFE! Don't let anyone or anything hold you back from everything that your life. I have learned that my closer inner circle greatly affect my quality of life. Surround yourself with people who love and uplift you instead of bringing you down.

I'm working on it!

"People have to learn how to be alone. I don’t understand all these people “Oh, I need somebody! Lord, where is my man? Lord, where is my woman?”. That is crazy as hell, if you don’t know how to be by yourself, what you’re gonna do with somebody else? Stop praying about it, shut up and wait! Go work on you, hell, that’s what that time is for, to get yourself together!"

Madea from Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail the play

I love the above quote. While it may be a little harsh, throwing around "hell" and a dose of sarcasm, the parts I bolded are so true. How can one expect to be happy with another person unless they are happy by themselves? In my last blog, All My Single Ladies and several other blogs, I have talked about preparing yourself for marriage and taking advantage of the time of singleness to just "do you." Accomplish your personal goals, get yourself together, develop your character, your integrity and become a strong, healthy person so that you attract that kind of person that has the kinds of qualities that can make a marriage last.

In this blog, I want to break down some qualities I listed in "All My Single Ladies" and explain why I think they are so important. Marriage is definitely something to look forward to; however, it does bring its own set of problems with it. That is why it is important to be a resilient, capable person in singleness and marriage.

So lets break it down by characteristics and why they are important:

Followed God's will: God promises that He will work all things out for the good of those who love Him; He also says that He will continue to completion the good work that He began in us. When our goal and desire to be in God's will, He can fulfill these promises. I have found that even when we do not desire the specific outcome, change, or action, it works out better for me in the long run. God, however, knowing everything that He does, can bring us to a better place of peace, even if we have to suffer for a short while.

Honoring those in her life: Rebekah was respectful to her husband, Ruth was faithful and loyal to Naomi, and Abigail rushed to provide provisions for David's army; she did it to save her family. What does it mean to honor? Essentially, showing someone high regard or respect. Its important to honor and treat well people in our lives, not just those who we like or love, but especially those who you don't necessarily like. Sometimes honoring people can simply be not talking about them or asking them how their day went.

Part of integrity is treating everyone with an attitude of respect. Honor also requires a certain amount of humility. It literally means elevating something higher than yourself as worthy, lifting another person's needs above your own.

Common sense: Common sense is essential in any area of life. With it, we learn from our mistakes, we learn how to navigate through unfamiliar situations, we learn how to interact with people, and we learn how to apply what we learn in class to our every day lives.

Work ethic: All these women, whatever their job, did it to the best of their abilities. A work ethic is defined as a belief in the moral importance and benefit of work. Whether you are working for a boss or as a stay-at-home mom and wife, they all require duties and repsonsibilities to be taken care of. If a woman stays at home, the house should stay clean, the laundry done, dinner cooked by a certain time, etc. A boss expects reports that meet company goals and are done on time. While getting an education, the teacher has clear objectives for the student to learn. To do well in life, one must have whole-heartedly do their job.

Boldness: Why is boldness imporant? I think that, oftentimes, women are hesistant to say or do something they think is right. These women did these things because they had conviction to do the right things, even if the acts were unpopular with others. The Bible says that Ruth was determined to do the right thing (stay with Naomi), even though Naomi urged her to stay in her home land.

Brave: Both Rebecca and Ruth set out on journeys to foreign lands, unaware of what their life would be like; Abigail took provisions to an army marching to destroy her family! Many times, life throws things we aren't expecting at us, and bravery causes us to face the unknown or things or people that intimidate us.

Kindness: In general, it is a good thing to treat people well; common courtesy is what it used to be called. Simple acts of kindness make people's day; simple words of encouragement can change a person's whole attitude. The Bible says that love is kind; it also says kindness is a fruit of the spirit. Love is the oil that flows between people to smooth out the friction that occurs in day-to-day life and relationships. Kindness is a boat that helps spread that oil.

These are a few of many qualities that I have learned from these women to be applicable in everyday life, single or married. Its important to be a resilient, capable person, able to handle life and whatever comes after you. I firmly believe that you have to be happy as a single, capable of enjoying life by yourself before you can ever be happy in a relationship.

The truth is that whoever you are in your life before you marry, you will be that person after you're married. While you may be good at hiding who you are for a while, eventually the real person will come out.

All My Single Ladies!

One of the most common topics that comes up with all my single girl friends is relationships. It usually just follows the following itinerary:

1. Current situation (Single)
2. Past experiences (Bad and good, but we're still single)
3. How it made me feel (Anger, hurt, sad, etc)
4. Current coping mechanism
5. Hope for the future

Most single women I talk to experienced these to some extent. It usually doesn't get into man-bashing, surprisingly. However, the conversation often includes stories about men who played her ignorance, naiveness, emotions, heart, etc; men that acted interested and then went after a prettier, smarter, thinner, insert adjective with "er" woman. For both men and women, there's only a few times before you throw your hands up and give up completely.

We each invent our own coping mechanisms for dealing with the nawing desire to find a mate. For some its faith, for some its partying, for others its being busy. However, regardless how people choose to deal with it, being single isn't necessarily a curse; its often a blessing. The grass is always greener, right? Not necessarily! Its easy to look at married couples and think, "They have it all: a mate (emphasis on mate, esp if you're waiting until marriage), someone to cuddle with, a companion, helpmate, someone to share the burden of life with, etc."

However, even though we don't get certain needs met that come with a spouse and bear the burdens of life ourselves, singleness has a blessing of its own! The Apostle Paul concurs by saying that when you are single, you can focus completely on God and be holy in body and spirit (1 Corinthians 7). How wonderful it is to have time to devote to God and our relationship with Him!

Not only do single people have undivided time with God, we also have time to pursue their personal dreams and goals. Being single has little distractions when working on college, having a career or just moving or changing life plans when desired. It also forces you to develop things that you might have had to learn the hard way in a marriage. For example, being single has allowed me to grow by watching other people and families. I've observed and learned so many things that I might not have otherwise. I've learned to develop community with people and form a personal family even being close to my family.

I have met two Catholic priests here who are close to me in age. They are similar to other men I know: funny, smart, outgoing, etc. However, they have taken a vow of celibacy and can never get married. At first, that really confused me; I just could not imagine. However, it makes so much sense. When you have dedicated your life to God, you will never have to worry about the distractions, problems, etc. that come with dating and marriage. You know from a young age what your path is and its never a question. For many of us who are single with the intent of getting married comes the questions of balancing life, goals, plans, compromise, etc. It just seems so much simpler when you choose not to get married.

While I'm not sure if I would ever take it that far, I have taken a few gems from these men:

1. Use this time of singleness to pursue God undividedly.
2. Use this time to do God's work and thinking how to please Him.
3. Its a beautiful thing to be able to wholly pursue God with no distractions.

To add to my list of examples for single ladies, I've found some women in the Bible who held out for God to bring them their man. I've compiled a list of what they did while waiting.

WARNING: Do not use these qualities as checklists to do hoping that once you have them checked off, God will bring your man to you.

1. Rebekah (Gen. 24) had several great qualities about her. She was bold, kind and generous, watering the travel-weary servant and his camels without being asked; she was brave and willing to do God's will, going to a foreign country to marry Isaac. She was respectful of her husband, calling him master and comforting him.

2. Rahab (Josh. 2, 6) was the Canaanite prostitute who hid the Israelite spies; because of this, she was spared in the destruction of Jericho. She did the will of God by saving the Israelites; she used her own resources to help others (i.e her house). Additionally, much later, she was married to a Jewish man and was the one of the many great grandmothers of Christ.

3. Ruth (Ruth) was a Moabite woman who staid with her Jewish mother-in-law after their husbands died. Ruth exhibits so many characteristics: brave for leaving her home country, loyalty and faithfulness to Naomi, faith in God, integrity, character, hard worker, and humility. There are so many more, but to save time, I will let the reader discover her on their own. She was rewarded with an amazingly godly husband who righteously fought for her.

4. Abigail (1 Sam 25) was not single, but I use her to demonstrate a point. She was married to a crude and mean man who offended David. The Bible says that she was sensible and beautiful. She intervened on her husbands behalf and saved their entire household. David admired her sensibility to the point that he asked her to marry him when her husband died. She also demonstrates humility.

While these qualities may just hang out on the page for some people, I will write a blog that ties them all together later.

The point at the end of it all is simply this: It is best to recognize singleness not as race or contest to the altar, as a game to get sex or the ring, a waiting room to sit in until "the One" opens the door and calls you in, or any other horrible contrivance that people can make it into. As Christians, we are called to serve God; the blessing and beauty of being single is that we get to serve God without the distraction of a spouse. Should we be blessed with a godly spouse, because we took time to develop ourselves, our character, our relationship with Christ, we will be ready to leave and cleave together. We don't do these things to get a mate; we do these things to grow closer to Christ. However, a perk of forging these godly characteristics in singleness is that we set ourselves up for success in marriage, more to come on that.

The Dying Breed

I had an interesting conversation with a friend that really boosted my confidence today. Basically, I’ve been having some doubts about how high my standards are. He was kind enough to say that he was appreciative and attracted to my self-improvement efforts. It really helped because, sometimes, in a world with low standards, it just seems like so many men don’t have any.

I’ve met countless guys in their mid-late twenties that just want to party and don’t have a degree, ambition, drive, or even thoughts of anything long-term in their head. I’ve really considered my actions: are my standards too high? Is what I’m asking for too much? The key to turn it all is a godly man who wants to be a provider, lover, husband, leader….

But my friend also said something else that didn’t shock me but just made what I have already suspected to be evident. “It’s easier for some people to just sit back and not have standards.” I think this is true. Having standards is hard work: choosing healthy food over not is hard, working out over being lazy is hard, taking time to find the right person instead of just settling because its convenient, having integrity over just going on a whim. It’s all hard.

This call came at the right time because I was considering: Do I lower my standards because a lot of men don’t have any? Afterward, I decided, “No.” So, I’m not sure how this plays out because I don’t want to force a man to change, nor do I want to nag. I want a man that has godly standards and is already there.

One of my friends said, “Girl, you have to be what you want. You aren’t going to find the kind of man you want sitting at home watching soap operas eating hohos. You have to get to the gym, get in church… do things that the kind of man you want would do.” That’s not saying that I should ever put myself into a situation specifically to find a man. Being on the hunt isn’t necessarily healthy. However, I have found that I will not find the kind of man I want at a club or bar. So I have to do things that attract a man with those qualities. For example, it’s important that the man that I marry work out and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Most men like that don’t date women who watch TV all day and eat hohos. So, in order to attract what I want, I have to be that type of person.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that, if I am going to have this type of man, I have to put my standards out there and uphold them. It can be intimidating telling someone what you want in a man; however, the only other option is to hold myself back and be disappointed later. I figure that if he doesn’t meet those standards, he will either change or walk away. I don’t think that they’re that hard.

He said something to me that was one of the saddest things to me, “Men are a dying breed; there are very few men in the world left. There are a lot of boys pretending to men.” Even two hours later it still makes me sad. I like Steve Harvey’s take on the boys-trying-to-be-men theory. Back in the day, if men wanted sex, they had to get married. Now, the game has changed, and men get it for free or really cheap. Now, instead of society reinforcing a culture where men married a woman before he could have her, we live in a culture where men don’t have to wait. So in the end, it’s really about a man’s personal choice to uphold convictions, morals, and standards. However, isn’t this what I want anyway? Maybe having these standards that I have helps to weed out the fake men, jerks, wannabes, etc. As my friend put it, "Not putting out and talking about God will weed out 80% of men." So in the end, I guess I save myself a whole bunch of problems by just keeping my abstinence and godly-man standards.

Boundaries

               Boundaries. What are they? I have talked about them to several people, but surprisingly, most people look confused when I mention them. Boundaries at their most basic are lines of what you will and won’t permit in your life. I’m not going into too much detail here, but I read a book last summer that goes more in depth entitled Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that changed my life. Boundaries basically let the good in and keep the bad out of your life, unlike walls that keep the bad in and the good out. Think of it like a fence that keeps your dog in your yard and keeps your neighbor’s out. Literally, they are emotional, mental, relational, social, etc. property lines. Any situation in life requires boundaries; here I will just scratch the surface so that people understand the references in future posts.

            So boundaries are like property lines between us and other people. Have you ever had an annoying neighbor that allowed their dog onto your property to poop or tear up your trash? That was a violation of boundaries. The same works in all social relationships. This is why some people become angry when people call too much or come over without invite; it’s seen as a violation of personal boundaries.

             The most basic form of establishing a boundary is saying “no.” No sets a line of “this is not ok.” Telling people no may be uncomfortable to some people, and there are lots of reasons why. Maybe as a child someone didn’t honor their no, instead it was overruled. Maybe telling people no caused them to withdraw their love until they complied. There are several reasons why you are afraid of telling people no; however, it is something worth looking into.

       I mentioned earlier that boundaries are like social property lines; all traffic coming in and out we are responsible for as well as what is in them. By traffic I mean any interaction that occurs between you and other people, organizations, etc. Examples of setting boundaries are:

      1. Friends: Saying no to hanging out because you have a test due, have to work out or have other plans.

     

      2. Family: Telling your sister you can’t make it out this time because of work.

      3. Spouse: Saying no to sex because you have to be up early in the morning.

      4. Children: Saying no to friends coming over because they need to do homework.

      5. Boss: Saying no to working on your day off because you have a doctor’s appointment.

           These are just a few examples, but at the core of boundaries is the word no. These are just simple boundaries to not doing something. But what about bigger things? Like telling someone that it is not ok to treat you a certain way or talk to you a certain way. For example, men generally respect me in every way. However, one night at a movie with a group of friends, after everyone had walked away, I was telling an acquaintance about me doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He made the comment about how kinky that sounded, and I should “show him some moves.” I was quick to tell him that was not an acceptable way to talk to me, to which he ironically felt bad for.

Those are the external boundaries of saying no to people in your life. You also have to set boundaries for yourself. Because there are so many possibilities, I will list a few I have set for myself.

Behavioral:

   1.  I will not be lazy; I will work out at least 4 times a week.  

   2.  I will not use my cell phone when I’m in a movie, talking to friends, eating, at practice, etc.

   3. I will not eat too much fatty, junky food.

Mental:

   1. I will not think about things that I can’t have.

   2. I will not let my mind dwell on past mistakes.

   3. I will not let myself overanalyze or worry.

         Other things that you need boundaries for are your passions, your emotions, thoughts, your sex drive, character, integrity, etc. These are things that I have established boundaries with because they do not help me to be healthy in all areas of my life nor do they help me to reach my goals. The beauty of boundaries is that you do not have to beat yourself up when you discover that you have made a mistake. Instead you can kindly tell yourself no and move on to something else. Eventually, it will get easier. I will expand on this in future posts.

          The way people treat you can have a huge impact on your personal and mental well being. If people around you are not treating you well or in a way that you like, it is your job to tell them what is and isn't acceptable. It doesn’t have to be mean or cruel, just a simple statement of no. When they don’t honor your no, it is your job to handle it accordingly. Most people will accept a no, but some people do not like that word.

When setting boundaries with people, particularly in established relationships (and established boundaries you may not be aware of), some resistance is likely to occur. I don’t think this is because they are necessarily bad people, but simply that people do not like change. If you explain this to them, they are more likely to accept it. What do you do if someone doesn’t like your boundary settings? People may say mean things or make comments, but you have to be strong and ignore them. Most of the time, once people see that your change isn’t bad, they are accepting. You may just have to bear some persecution for your decisions for a time.

What if someone doesn’t stop? What if they continue to berate you until you give in? It may require removing that person from your life, or at least distancing yourself for some time until they can accept that you are indeed changing and not budging. I would suggest doing it honorably and letting them know because it could destroy your relationship in the long run.